Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
