I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
