I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
