After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
