I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
