I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize