I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
