All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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