Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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