just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
