Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
