I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Randomize
