remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize