she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She bit a glass in half.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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