i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
