I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
