Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
