I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize