a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize