There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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