First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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