Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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