I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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