I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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