well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
