He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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