I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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