so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
