his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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