If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
