there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
