friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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