not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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