I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
