cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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