I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
