this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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