I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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