i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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