So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
