If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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