its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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