I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Randomize