i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
