If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you never un-have a 4some
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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