Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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