Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
