More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just cropdusted the office
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
