You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
