do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
