I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
two words...techno handjob
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize