he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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