i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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