it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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