If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
