six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
