The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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