Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
