his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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