i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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