Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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