I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
