I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
